“Wanna meet me in Dubai?” L asked.
I was in Korea for the first time in 5 years. Pandemic, poverty, the uncomfortable flight seats that make my tailbone hurt for a few days – packing and unpacking that takes forever, Often, I would carry my unpacked luggage from one trip to the next. How about nosy taxi drivers that ask thousands of questions from the airport to home or vice versa? Over time, the routine grew tiresome. Money was the problem too. I was busy at putting food in my mouth and my dog’s, that’s it. When I didn’t have money to spend, I ate less, I did not buy things, or did not go on a trip, that was easy.
People asked about my pre-Xmas holiday if I’m excited, if I have been missing my parents much, but I was actually overwhelmed by those questions and the fact that I’m not at all. Dentist, biopsy, nosy mum, and awkward dad – everything about Korea stresses me out, and it made me suffer from constipation to diarrhoea.
As I expected, Sydney to Seoul flight couldn’t be worse. I thought that I’ll never fly again unless I can afford the bougie class while looking at the people who were sleeping peacefully in those tiny seats. The plane was packed, no movie seemed interesting (except I watched the element for 45 minutes or so), didn’t have internet or couldn’t pay for the internet, and there was no Powerpoint or type C port (only USB A, thank you, Korean airline), didn’t have gin only had vodka and OJ(with pulp)…
I hated it from 0 to 100. “I don’t know if I can do this again 2 weeks later,” that was my first word when I saw my mum at the airport.
And what? Dubai? Another 8 hours?!
L is resilient. He has been like this from day 1 and maybe his entire life. Unlike me, I give up. I give up so quickly and easily that sometimes I give up before I even try. I never even try the fullest because then when I fail, I can finger myself that I didn’t try my best and will probably (in fact, never) do from next time. But I know, there’s no such ‘next time’ in our lives, and that’s why I like L so much or I don’t know, you’re attracted to someone who features something that you don’t.
It’s not uncommon that people ask me out for a dinner date. It happens every now and then, but I never say yes. I do not want to do things that make me uncomfortable even it’s FREE. With strangers, it’s easier to have sex than have dinner with.
My excuse usually goes:
- Be honest: I am not comfortable, I’m shy, I don’t drink and party… etc.
- Not honest but still true: I’m not hungry, I won’t be hungry.
- Start to make up stories: I’m busy(which I am never), I have a plan for that night already(I never go out).
People then give up on me too. They probably think that it’s not worth the effort or i’m hard to convince or i’m not fun, whatever the reason is, but L never gave up on me (yet). He had to look after +1 when it was our first night out(She drank a lot…I didn’t drink at all that day.), he had to walk the dog at late night on random date night, sometimes he had to blow my nose, and more…
“Come to Dubai, habibi?” Not gonna lie here I didn’t want to. If there’s cities that I never considered traveling around, Dubai would be one of them. I just never thought that it’s going to be good. What do I do there – ride a camel and visit the mosque? What about food? I never even heard of UAE food, to be honest. I may sound very open-minded, but I am not. I am a close minded typical conservative korean princess fussy eater. I also thought that they gonna send me back anyway to where I come from because I have many tattoos and I act not Muslim.
L works in London and I was in Korea, and Dubai, in fact, was in the middle. It sounded okay (with no better options) if we can spend time together for the weekend. Still, I just told my mum that I am not sure if I want to fly again, and look. I had to fly another 16 hours for the 72 hours. L didn’t give up and kept asking, and I said “okay, whatever.” Not only because I missed him a lot, but also an unplanned trip like this was what I used to like before when I was healthier and younger. I hated everything, including myself, so much in reality, so I used random travels as a tool to escape reality.
While we were in Dubai, L asked me twice: Why did you go to Thailand? Why did you go to New Zealand? I could not answer really because there was no reason.
When I said yes to Dubai (that was less than 24 hours to flight), my mum was quite upset about it. Mum said, “You know sometimes I miss you so much and it hurts in the chest.” I didn’t understand and said back to my mum. “I don’t feel anything.. am I weird?” I think it’s because I was trained not to. My mum is a true social butterfly. When my parents were not separated yet, they used to argue a lot because my dad is like me: anti-social and autistic. He didn’t understand why she has to go out every so often. I was involuntarily trained not to be lonely and feel the missing whenever she was out for socialising, and dad was not very nice to me because he’s upset. I don’t feel such thing, I am but chronically sad. L calls me emu because he’s old and doesn’t know the word “emo” or merely, mistyped.
The flight wasn’t bad because I am an easily adaptive person. There was internet, comfy seat, bigger screen, plus I prepared calm-down meds. Dubai itself wasn’t that bad either. They didn’t put me in a jail cell because I didn’t wear a hijab or burqa and walked around no-bra (but still, people look at me until I get burnt my face from their eyes). Everything is so luxurious and gigantic, from what they drive to what they’ve built, but I would still never go alone. We got lost at the Dubai mall, had great food (but not authentic UAE food), drank, meet his another friends(I wonder where about he does not have his friends), sat by the pool, gym, sauna, sex until our dick and pussy got sore. Can’t complain about anything if I look back the moment when I saw him at the airport for the first time in 2 weeks. wait, I said I don’t have such a feeling, because I am involuntarily trained not to, didn’t I
