2025 Consumer Reports

Author: juno

  • Happy Birthday, Now Quit

    I’ve been working in a ward where we help ex-drug users recover. I always tell them, “If I could quit, you can too.” But to be honest, it often feels too comfortable for them to stay there. One guy told me he wanted to become a nurse, but most of the time he’s too groggy on strong downers to hold a proper conversation.

    Those meds—like paliperidone and olanzapine—flatten a person so much they lose touch with themselves, let alone their goals. Grogginess, weight gain, emotional numbness, lactating (yes, that too)—it’s heavy. And yeah, it’s rough seeing people sedated enough to behave, but not enough to really live. I get emotional because I was once there too.

    There’s a colleague of mine who’s terrified of that ward. She says the ex-users are violent and filthy. “They’re a threat to society.” Honestly? She’s scarier than any patient I’ve ever met. She looks like a Ninja Turtle. Not in a mean way—she’s not a bad person—it’s just… that’s her face. She comes from somewhere in Southeast Asia, but she’s constantly saying she looks Korean. I nod and smile because what else do you do?

    One day she rocked up with this bright, clip-in hairpiece and a full face of makeup. Imagine a Ninja Turtle at Coachella. I told her she looked nice (just being polite), and the next day she gave me hairpieces. I thanked her and said, “I should go clubbing tonight!” Then chucked them in the bin when I got home.

    My Birthday Dinner Menu: weird Korean spelling but ok

    So, my birthday. A friend made dinner. Another gave me over 30 vapes as a present. You’d think 35 vapes is wild—and yeah, it is. For me that’s like a year’s supply. What’s wilder is: I accidentally threw them all away.

    They came in a box of Dove soap, and I moved them to a plastic bag (why? still don’t know). I put that bag next to my bin and told myself, “Be careful not to throw it away.” and next minute I’m at the garbage chute, dropping it in like it’s nothing.

    Came in a soap box

    I didn’t even think about it again until the next morning—my actual birthday—while sitting on the toilet. I looked over at my bin and realised: I threw away 35 vapes. At 6 am, I put on tall rain boots, thick gloves, grabbed a ladder, and went downstairs to the building’s waste room. Now, my complex has 200+ units, probably 500+ residents, and there are four buildings—A, B, C, and D. The waste room? A graveyard of garbage bins, some of them 1100L monsters. I opened one bin, saw spilled food, plastic bags, fruit flies (maggots lurking), and I just… gave up.

    First, I felt sick with myself. Then with the rubbish room. I lost a birthday present. Not just a personal loss (-10 points), but a gifted one? That’s like -100. It made my heart and brain ache. It wasn’t just the vapes. It was the lost time, the saved money, the relief of not having to visit the rude tobacconist in Eastwood (except the owner—he’s okay. But those 3 Korean girls? Ugh). I’d lost all of that, too.

    And then came a moment of 정신승리—that Korean concept where you mentally twist a failure into a win. I told myself: “Maybe this is my sign to quit. Maybe the universe made me lose the vapes for a reason.” Main character logic. Delusional, sure. But I needed that logic to make Habe’s gift mean something. If I quit now, I’ll always say it was because of her. Because she got me 35 vapes… and I lost them all.

    Dear vape 😭
    I vaguely remember when we first met.
    2018? 2019? I was trying to quit cigarettes.
    I loved you so much I smuggled you into a psych ward inside a condom tucked in my vajayjay.
    I really did love you.
    Lately though, my breath smells like burnt plastic. I don’t know if that’s you or just me.
    I’ve always hated being dependent. And I depended on you so, so much.
    You were too easy. Too available. Too everywhere.

    Now the universe is telling me to say goodbye.
    The only thing that hurts more than losing you is feeling like I lost Habe’s thoughts about me.
    To make up for that, I’ll quit. For real this time.
    So when people ask, I’ll say:
    “I quit because of a birthday present.”

    I still touched my pocket twice while writing this. Just muscle memory.
    But please, don’t come back.
    You’ve done enough.

    …But should I quit after this last one?
    Like… breakup sex?

    So maybe this was all just burnt toast.

    You know the theory — you burn your toast, get mad, run late, and miss the bus… but that delay keeps you from getting into a car accident or bumping into someone awful or whatever. Maybe me throwing away 35 vapes by accident wasn’t just me being a dumbass. Maybe it was the universe slightly nudging me into something better. Maybe the lost vapes saved me from something I can’t even name yet — a worse addiction, a bleaker version of me. Maybe this was the burnt toast I needed to quit.

    Or maybe I’m just coping hard. Either way, I’ll take it.

    Think about how many girls use those cute Ghibli style drawing as their profile pictures now. It’s the new cat/dog filter few years back snapchat’s magic. A way of saying “this is what I want to look like” You can be insecure, but make it aesthetic. And I’m projecting.
    Fuck and even though I think Ghibli style selfie shows insecurity, I don’t mind to try (actually wanting to, right now) but chatgpt updated their policy or something so I can’t!

  • Mosquitoes

    Every time I call my mum, I end up going on and on about wanting to have triplets. And every time, she tells me to just live as a DINK, with a dog, and call it a life. It makes me wonder—was raising me really that hard for her? I thought about it as I swatted a mosquito on the back of my hand. Maybe, like a mosquito (willing to risk a bloody death for its motherness), my mum gave her all as a mother. Maybe she really tried her best, and I’ve just been too blind to see it—just like no one ever appreciates the maternal instincts of a mosquito.

    (I thought only pregnant mosquitoes bite, but I was wrong)

    Do only pregnant mosquitoes bite?

    No, Only female mosquitoes bite, not just pregnant ones. Female mosquitoes bite to get the protein in blood, which they need to produce eggs. 

    Explanation

    • Why female mosquitoes bite
      • Female mosquitoes need blood to produce eggs.
      • Blood contains nutrients that are necessary for their developing eggs. 
      • Female mosquitoes use their needle-like proboscis to pierce the skin of their host. 
    • Why pregnant women are more attractive to mosquitoes
      • Pregnant women have higher metabolic rates and body temperatures, which attract mosquitoes. 
      • Pregnant women exhale more carbon dioxide, which mosquitoes are attracted to. 
      • Pregnant women release more volatile substances from their skin surface. 

    Other facts about mosquitoes 

    • Male mosquitoes don’t bite because they lack the mouthparts to pierce skin.
    • Male mosquitoes are pollinators that feed on flower nectar.
    • Mosquitoes can bite day and night.
    • Mosquitoes can transmit diseases like malaria, yellow fever, and dengue.

    Come to think of it, maybe mum is right. If I ever have kid(s), L would probably only show up 4–5 times a year, since he’s such a ridiculously busy businessman. And the kid(s) and their dad would likely end up with a terrible, hollow relationship, no real bond at all, just like me and my dad. I send my dad messages four times a year: when the seasons change, on his birthday, at Christmas, and for New Year’s greetings. Actually, that’s a bit more than I thought. (OH and whenever I need a financial support ㅋㅋ..)

    Look at all those ibis (bin chickens) scavenging through food waste, versus the cutesy, rare kookaburra with its cattitude. It’s like ugly and useless things breed a lot more—I’m not just talking about birds. And when my kid(s) grow up, the world will probably be even more screwed up than it is now.

    Moreover, I know the real reason I want kids (especially triplets—because, you know, efficiency) is purely selfish. My life is consumed by ennui, it’s dull, boring, and I need something to pour all my love and attention into. Honestly, I think about this every day, especially during those early morning and late-night Django walks. If Django weren’t here, I might’ve already gone back to a psych ward—or worse, ended it all. A sliver of pride and responsibility keeps me going. It’s this belief that if I make a promise, I have to keep it. And I know that if I were gone, no one would take care of Django better than me. Django might have a different opinion on that, though.

    The reason we hate lies isn’t so much because we were deceived, but because of what the lie implies: that they thought we were stupid, easy to fool, or worth tricking in the first place. It’s the insult of being seen as someone you can lie to, like it won’t matter, that’s maddening. Saying one thing and doing another, trying to gloss over it as if you won’t notice—

    And yet, this little rascal… this fetus, of all things, is deceiving me. The last time we tried to conceive was in November. All the early pregnancy symptoms are there—insomnia, shortness of breath, swollen breasts, palpitations, bloating, … and then a period. But the symptoms keep showing up: during the holidays, I was ill, couldn’t eat, and was completely fed up. I’m convinced I must be pregnant (cue mosquito-level maternal instincts). Yet every other day, I take a test, and not once has it turned positive. Then, another period.

    Eventually, my appetite kept dropping—a rare thing for me—so today, I finally got a blood test and an ultrasound.

    If you look at the scan names, one is simply Ultrasound Pelvis, but the one I had today is OBSTETRIC. Why?!? Am I really pregnant? But then, why are my home urine tests still negative? What about two full bloody Kill Bill style menstruations I experienced?

    Maybe the scan name just depends on what the doctor requested, and I’m just being delusional(as usual). Maybe the fetus is already gone—or maybe it never even happened—I have a history of chemical pregnancies anyway, and most of miscarriages happen in the first trimester so It’s easier to think this way, to keep my expectations low. That way, if it does happen, call it a miracle.

    I don’t even know why I’m stressed—it’s simple: either the baby’s alive or baby’s dead. If it’s alive, great, we keep going. If not, move on and try again. But I can’t shake the feeling that this fetus is trying to mess with me. Who do you think you’re fooling? if it’s not the fetus, then it’s my own body playing a cruel joke. I can’t hate myself anymore so stop, How am I even getting these fake symptoms? And I can’t even access the details of those scans and tests. Well, I can, but only after my next appointment with the GP. It’s torture.

  • Things I Do with the Time I Save by Being Efficient

    1. Standing in front of the milk fridge at Coleworths and thinking about whether I should buy milk, a milk alternative, or neither.

    I don’t know if they are still doing it, but when I was little, there was something like a “School Milk Program,” a government initiative providing milk (with parents’ tax money) to students as part of their school meals. The majority of us drank it without any problems, except everyone was excited for flavoured milk day (usually once a week), and sometimes we were just so sick of it that we threw it out the window from the 5th floor to the ground like water-filled balloons. Back then, lactose intolerance wasn’t recognized as much as it is nowadays. In fact, no one said no to milk, at least in my classes, as far as I remember.

    Now, I know more lactose-intolerant people than tolerant ones, including myself. I don’t fart or suffer from tummy aches to diarrhea, but my skin always breaks out and my eczema flares up after I consume any dairy product, such as a cup of coffee (with milk), a slice of pizza (with cheese), or a piece of cake (with cream). I found this out while I did a little experiment in May, eating only sources of protein, chimichurri sauce, and carrots.

    Recently, not only did I find out that dairy messes me up, but also that when my progesterone is higher (after ovulation and before my period), my eczema (which was on my neck last year but is inside my elbow this year) gets worse. But think about it—before my period, I crave sugar and junk food more, so at this point, I am not sure if my eczema is triggered by dairy, sugar, or my own hormones (called progestogen hypersensitivity (PH) or autoimmune progesterone dermatitis (APD)).

    At first, I suspected L and thought I was allergic to L’s semen because it always flared after L came inside (for pregnancy purposes), but when L isn’t here, I’m still scratching until I bleed. So, I don’t know. At least L is now relieved because he doesn’t have to get blamed for my psychosis. Then it’s Django’s turn: people say to get a dog because it will be good for my mental health, but my dog has his own issues, e.g., small man (short king) syndrome, and we both have attachment problems. So, I don’t know if it’s better or worse. Also, he has his own dermatitis on his groin and paws on wet days, so if it’s not L, it’s Django! Or… it’s just me.

    Chobani’s oat milk, especially the vanilla flavour, and Bonsoy taste the best for my liking (it tastes even better than milk when drunk with coffee), but I don’t think they’re any better than sugary, oily water with no benefits. But is milk any more beneficial other than its flavor? Unless you’re a psychopath who enjoys exploiting mother cows (I’m no vegan, and when I drink milk, I feel grateful to those cows who produce milk with no holiday). And this is why I bought Rokeby FitMilk this week; it claims to have less sugar and more protein! I don’t know how this even works, and imagine how much processing they had to do to make a carton of this milk. God knows what’s happening to make 50% less sugar, 50% more protein, lactose-free milk.

    That was a good, fair 20 minutes of my life in front of the milk section.

    But not only milk—I tend to spend a lot of time in the supermarket just reading labels and ingredients on sauce jars, tins, and bottles. You know when you are choosing a good panettone, butter and egg yolk should be listed first among other ingredients because butter and egg yolk are what make panettone moist. Speaking of which, last Easter, we happened to be invited to an Italian family, and that was my first and best panettone experience. It wasn’t appealing to me until then because I don’t like dried fruits, e.g., raisins, in anything. Like, why do people add dried fruit to their granola and energy bars?

    When I thought about panettone, it was always with dried fruits. However, last Easter, we had salted caramel panettone, which I mentioned over and over for eight months until last week. It was so moist, fluffy, and gooey inside—omg, so yum. I couldn’t believe I had missed such a thing for 30 years of my life! And I never got to see it again after Easter until, I don’t know, maybe around November. I started to see more and more panettone here and there, and my craving for that salted caramel, god-sent fluffy heaven got worse. I couldn’t help myself but wait because the Italian family promised me the best panettone since I had been singing about it for more than half a year. They got me one last week, but I’m heartbroken—it’s the candied orange and dried fruit one… not the one I had on Easter. What I had on Easter was called Colomba, panettone’s beautiful cousin. With raisins and fruit or some chocolate(which is traditional panettone), it’s just brioche with filling. Anyway, yesterday I made tuna pasta and was looking for basil pesto to buy. It’s always fascinating comparing brands’ ingredients—some have more basil content, and some have more additives. Did I buy the one with more basil? No! I got the best looking jar with cute colour lid.

    Sometimes you miss the flavour of Italy and buy this and that labeled as “Made in Italy” or “Product of Italy,” but you’re not sure if it tastes better with all those preservatives and plastic-coated tins. When wine is imported/exported, there is someone in the cargo who looks after the wine exclusively for its temperature, etc. But who’s in charge of looking after tomato tins and pasta sauce?

    If I ever worried about preservatives, additives, lead, Bisphenol A, and other hormone disruptors, I’d never be able to buy my colourful water bottles. I’ve been drinking like a whale to make full use of them, and now I want to get a plastic one because these stainless steel triple-wall insulated vacuum BPA-free bottles are too heavy with a liter of liquid. Then I found out about Tritan™ plastic, which… I think is another gimmick like Bamboo Cotton®, but I might get one from Nalgene because their colours are soo cute omg UwU.

    I don’t know how people (especially L) think I’m lazy when I think all of these things with the time I saved by not folding clothes and not putting dishes in the dishwasher. I’m so busy thinking all of these things and articulating them in writing. Real lazy people are the ones who get fed by their algorithms—there’s a reason it’s called ‘feed.’ People just sit there and scroll through what apps spoon-feed them. It was hard work for me to get to the point where I hit the ‘breastfeeding (very sexually)’ side of Instagram or the ‘Indian death by train’ side of Instagram. It took me years to build this algorithm brick by brick! Reading a book requires a lot of effort, though. I have to either go to Dymocks or download the samples (which is great—good job, Google Play Store—but still, not many books I want are available there) and read through them before I buy. Regardless, I bought more books and didn’t finish any of the ones I had. Kek…

    The domain junokim.me no longer available from next year, use https://junoj.uno instead.

  • The Epitome of Efficiency

    I learned the word epitome in November and wanted to use it in the title—though the content might be irrelevant.

    Efficiency has always been a top priority in my life. I value efficiency above all else, even over things like…

    Eating sangas while walking Django instead of sitting down at a dining table with proper cutlery and plates, which would only create more work later (i.e., loading the dishwasher, which takes me days unless it’s summer). Eating—the most mundane, tedious, and pointless activity. It makes you fat, causes inflammation, leads to breakouts, and worst of all, I already know how everything tastes. I eat solely to avoid hunger. I hate spending $$$ on dining out, wearing nice shoes and disappoint. What about waiting for UberEats drivers who always have other stops before me. What’s worse, Eating alone? I also hate the endless cycle of “What’s for dinner tonight? And tomorrow?”

    Doing yoga while learning French: I did Downdog™’s November yoga challenge for a free t-shirt. They promised a t-shirt with their logo on it(which i think it’s cute) if I completed 30 days of yoga without skipping, but turns out it was a raffle—only the lucky ones get the shirt. Kek what an inefficiency. I don’t even know how I used to do hot yoga vinyasa every day back in the day. It’s so boring and I only do Yin these days, while I’m doing pigeon or lizard pose, I streak another day on Duolingo. Most of the time, Django brings a ball and demands I throw it, so I’m fully occupied even during yoga.

    As of today (13/12/2024), my Duolingo™ streak is 296 days.

    I also force L to be efficient. For example, I ask him to pick me up from work with Django, so he can save his treadmill time, exercise Django, and pick me up—all at the same time! Or I don’t take clothes out of the dryer to fold and put them away because I’m going to wear them sooner or later anyway. Sometimes, I even pee while showering—and listen to podcasts at the same time. But are these podcasts motivational or meaningful? Nope. The last one was about a woman who had sex with 100 men in one day (14 hours straight!). Wow, how efficient, If I’m able to do two things or multiple things at once, I’ll do that.

    You’ve probably heard the hypothetical scenario: If there’s a $50 note on the ground, Bill Gates or Elon Musk shouldn’t bother picking it up because their time is more valuable. Tony Park (one of my exes from around 2015ish, who texted me in late 2023 to say, “Hi, I got married, but can we have sex UwU”) often shouted, “Time is money!”

    But here’s the thing after all: I’m doing X while doing Y and Z not because to save time for something more valuable. I don’t have anything better to do.

    After watching young Koreans (mostly not-so-good-looking females) protesting in freezing temperatures, spending their time shouting meaninglessly while holding animal-shaped neon lights and wearing bunny-ear hats, I wonder if anyone really lives efficiently. At this point, what does efficiency even mean if there’s no urgency or importance in life?

    Oh, and I also learned the word regurgitate, but I didn’t use it here. ㅋㅋㅋ I couldn’t, except maybe to regurgitate the use of “epitome.”

  • Why Is It Hard to Read a Book? — First post in 6 months

    2024 is almost over, and how many books have you read this year? I’ve read zero. I started plenty but finished none.

    Recently, TikTok started showing me ads for the Kindle 2024, which reminded me of my Kindle from 2012, a birthday gift to myself. It’s now 12 years old, and the last time I checked if it still worked was about two years ago. I charged it with little hope, thinking it was probably dead for good—but wow, it’s alive! What a monster.

    It got me wondering: why did I stop reading? I can’t even remember. Maybe it was when I moved to Australia? Back in Korea, I wasn’t a bookworm, but I read a fair amount compared to others. After moving to Australia, though, it became harder to find Korean books. (I guess it’s easier now compared to 10+ years ago.) Back then, the Eastwood Korean bookstore charged nearly double, so I switched to Ridi, a Korean e-book app. But I wasn’t a fan because:

    1. iPads were heavy back then, still is, compare to kindle
    2. My eyes hurt from staring at blue screens.

    Life also shifted into “survival mode.” Someone had to pay the bills, and there was no time to read. But as I write this, I realize that’s a garbage excuse. I found time for yoga, freediving, and jiu-jitsu, even knitting and cycling, even, DRUGS —so I clearly had time and money. I just gradually lost interest in reading.

    When I bought the Kindle in 2012, I had big dreams of improving my English by reading books. My English back then was far worse than it is now, and reading was torture. Every sentence had words I didn’t understand. I’d look them up, only to find dictionary explanations using other words I didn’t know. By the time I understood one word and returned to the book, I’d forget what the paragraph was even about. Reading a paragraph took hours, a page could take days. And I made it worse by starting with Penguin Classics—absolute misery.

    Eventually, I gave up on proper books. Instead, I read 4chan, Reddit, Twitter, and many other forums. These days, I enjoy threads. I lost interest in well-crafted, properly written stories. Now I like debates, even petty arguments. I love analyzing why people express themselves in certain ways—it’s fascinating. And honestly, reading threads makes me feel better about myself. So many people out there seem unhinged, and I used to think I was the worst. Turns out I’m fairly normal in comparison.

    I almost gave up on my 12-year-old Kindle, planning to toss it if it didn’t turn on. But here it is, still in mint condition. I love it. Meanwhile, people replace their phones yearly (I’m still on the Google Pixel 8 Pro, by the way). Especially iPhone users

    So, the real question is: what book should I buy?
    A Korean book? But I don’t know what’s good these days. An English book? I’m not sure I can fully enjoy it; I think I’m traumatized from past attempts.

    If I want to completely lose myself in a book, reading in Korean would be better. But there aren’t many Korean books on Kindle (though I haven’t searched thoroughly). I read on a naver blog that you can buy books from the Google Play Store, download them, and transfer them to your Kindle using a program called Calibre.

    But honestly, I use Kindle for convenience, and I don’t want to involve any other machine in this whole process. If I’m buying books from the Google Play Store, why not just read them on my Pixel 8 Pro? Last night, I tried three books:

    1. 수치심 탐구생활 (no English version available)
    2. A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace (short stories)
    3. 어른이 된다는 것 by Banana Yoshimoto.

    They were quick, easy, and cheap to access. I even logged into Ridi to check my balance and found 5+ books I’d started but never finished. Maybe Kindle will thrive for another 10 years, and by 2034, more Korean books will be available. Who knows?

    I haven’t written in 6 months. My original plan was:

    • Start writing when I’m pregnant (I didn’t).
    • Start writing while traveling (I went to Malaysia last month but didn’t write—excuses, excuses).

    Beyond that, I got sick of the fact that all I had to talk about were things like expensive restaurants, wines(that i have no idea with), business class, and unnecessary colourful water bottles(this, I haven’t talked about yet), and so on. And the worst part is, none of it was even stuff I earned myself—it was all on L’s credit card… It made me feel self-loathing.

    I’ve been working at a psychiatric hospital for about a month now. When I told my mom, she immediately said, “No! Don’t do it!” before I even finished explaining. She doesn’t know I was a psych patient not long ago. ㅋㅋ

    It’s only 10 hours a week, and I barely make enough to cover rent, but honestly, it feels like the best shift I’ve ever had. It’s like having a “title” again, instead of just being a “stay-at-home girlfriend.” Now, I can justify buying more colourful, heavy, and unnecessary water bottles—and many other random stuff—on L’s credit card. 😂

    Maybe I’ll try to finish all the books I started in December.

  • Health Update

    I like pineapple—pineapple on pizza, in burgers, in fried rice, or just by itself. I LOVE pineapple, except for the fact that I have a really bad reaction every time I eat it. I even have mouth bleeding, and I wonder if it affects my internal organs too.

    My blood test results came back clean under the name of pre-pregnancy screening, or prego planning. They checked various things including major STIs, immunization status, glucose, iron levels, etc. The only concern was iron deficiency. People say, “Oh, that’s normal, eat more beef,” but it doesn’t sound normal when I’m prescribed iron medication. It’s an orange/metal-flavoured syrup and tastes quite nice considering it’s the only syrup I can have now. Iron is absorbed best when taken with vitamin C. I think it’s working because I have a tummyache for 10 minutes after taking iron and vitamin C, and I burp and fart a lot afterward. It feels like something is happening in my stomach, similar to when I clean the kitchen sink drain with baking soda and vinegar, or when I clean chromehearts with foil and boiling water earlier this year. No wonder it hurts so bad.

    But why the iron deficiency if I eat beef 2-3 days a week, sometimes 7 days (when L is here) a week? Maybe it’s the coffee, tea, milk, or all of these. Maybe I’m internally bleeding, or maybe I bleed more than normal people during my period. I don’t know. Fatigue, which I thought was from endometriosis, might be from anemia. I still nap every day, though.

    I didn’t have any unusual period cramps! I believe it’s because:

    1. No more refined sugar, corn syrup, wheat, dairy, and eggs.
    2. Taking fuck tons of supplements.
    3. Or both having a synergistic effect.

    I’m not sure if I want to live like this miserably, giving up one of the joys of life: eating. But the results are so dramatic that it makes me want to keep going:

    1. I don’t have any PMS symptoms, breakouts and my skin is glowing.
    2. My vision is so clear, almost like when you’re sobering from a mushroom trip—everything is sharp and defined.
    3. I poop more than Django, who goes once or twice a day.

    The biggest joy is my skin. For the first time in my life, I don’t have any acne. My face looks more lively, and my lips are more of a normal color instead of grey or purple. Scalp pimples, which hurt so bad before my period, are all gone now.

    So the hip pain got better ✅, constipation gone ✅, fatigue better ✅, period pain none ✅. The only thing I want to see improve is fertility: I think it’s better since I didn’t ovulate until day 13. Today is day 14, and hopefully, tomorrow my body temperature will give me a good sign. Ovulating on day 8 or 10 was too early and can mean an unripe(immature) egg. So, ovulating on day 14 sounds promising.

    Since everything seems okay, I worked for the first time in 6 months last weekend. I was worried because I heard from grapevine that if a casual worker doesn’t work for more than 6 months, they are automatically considered unemployed1. I didn’t want to lose my gov.au email address. Despite my concerns, I didn’t ask for a shift and adopted an “it is what it is” mindset. Surprisingly, they called me first last week, asking if I could work on the weekend. Let’s be honest, government jobs and their worker ants are so messed up. They needed help because they have an audit coming this week, so they called in every possible worker to polish the place. Usually, a shift has a team of 4, but I saw at least 10 people on Sunday. I labeled every file and organized them by color. I cleaned the stock room and labeled it too, organized and cleaned desks and drawers, separated official documents and pamphlets, and put them in appropriate displays. I put pens in pen holders, scissors with glue, mopped the floor, and checked window frames for any broken pieces. This is the third audit I’ve prepared for, and every time I can’t help but think they wouldn’t need this if everyone labeled things properly and deep cleaned regularly in the first place. But no one cares because the government pays extra anyway. And they pay the auditors too, which is crazy. How is it called an audit when everything is planned and prepared for that day? It’s like preparing an artificial class2 for a parents visiting day. It’s so fucked up.

    The ultrasound result says my left ovary is twice the size of my right one. It’s not uncommon, but it could be caused by inflammation. There are several mucus-filled cysts too, which could be the reason of the unusual ovary size. Maybe it’s endometriosis, but we won’t know until I do a laparoscopy—it’s like Schrödinger’s endometriosis. My GP asked if I wanted a referral to a specialist, but I said I’d see if it gets better since I have to see her again for another blood test for iron levels. Whoever told me, “Oh, LDT3 is good for some people who get bored easily. Since you don’t have the opportunity to see your partner regularly, you tend to value every moment together,” including my mom—I have to disagree. It’s torture. I don’t like it at all.

    1. This fact was not properly checked. ↩︎
    2. Everyone so well behaved that day. ↩︎
    3. Long Distance Relationship ↩︎

  • Endometriosis [3]

    I used to buy whole cakes for myself, then enjoyed the privilege of being an adult—I could buy and eat whatever the fcuk I wanted—as well as the ensuing glucose spikes. Yesterday, I thought about doing it again but didn’t feel up to it; my period pain must be really bad, I’m in fear. I used to consume tons of sugar in various forms such as cakes, pastries, lollies, milk tea, and other junk, never believing it affected my body because if everyone else lining up at new bakery cafes and milk tea venues is fine, shouldn’t I be too?

    Have you ever ordered so much food that when the server asks if you’re ready for dessert, you just can’t fit any more into your stomach? It happens every time we go out, and I suspect it’s L’s strategy to prevent me from having any more sugar. Last time, we were at Apollo in Potts Point and as he ordered what seemed like 69,000 dishes, I realized there would be no room for loukoumades. I asked the server to bring the starters, mains, and loukoumades all at once. She looked at L, who shook his head. At the end of the meal, I had them anyway, with the button on my trousers undone, while L shook his head, unable to believe it.

    Desserts are the highlight of a meal, often bringing a sweet finish that complements the flavours experienced earlier. They’re a great way to indulge, celebrate special occasions, or simply treat oneself. Whether it’s a rich chocolate mousse, a refreshing pistachio cream, or a traditional pumpkin pie, there’s something deeply satisfying about ending a meal on a sweet note.

    However I was surprised, A bad cannele is not impossible @stitch coffee

    So, I’ve adopted this strategy for my sugar and carb-cutting project. I eat protein and fiber until I feel like throwing up, so there’s no room to even think about dessert, rice, bread, or noodles. Sometimes it’s beef, other times chicken; today, I tried prawns, and it somehow worked wonders! I used to eat prawns for cocktail sauce, tangy and creamy: irresistible! However, look at my weak chimichurri—no chili 😭. I used to make my version with a chili:garlic:parsley ratio of 1:1:1, but now I do it without chili because it might cause inflammation, like dairy. Look, I’m Korean; how can I be so intolerant, it’s embarrassing.

    I didn’t even eat fruit to calm my cravings, like many people would. Oh wait, I had butternut squash and sweet potatoes—those are carbs, right? Who knew butter squashes and prawns can be this sweet, they are delishiii

    Visited GP, it’s undeniable: endometriosis. She also surprised about me having ‘not a big deal’ attitude with my gigantic, humongous bloated lower belly. Trust me I thought it’s just a stale poop 😭 She wrote two referrals: one for a normal ultrasound and another for a detailed Endometriosis Scan™️ (which costs $700), in case my “endo babies” are tiny and elusive. When she mentioned it, I briefly considered getting a LeTao™️ (dairy and sugar, such a perfect combo) to provoke and enlarge my endo babies or whatever it is, but funny enough, I wasn’t craving it like before. Today, I had to drink a liter of water within 30 minutes for the ultrasound. The sonographer didn’t give much detail, only telling me to see the GP two days later, but I knew something was not right when she took 1,999 screenshots with a transducer on my left ovary, compared to just one or two for the right ovary. Kek.

    Whenever I’m in situations filled only with hardship and suffering, I’m kind of grateful because it feels like living an artist’s or a main character’s life. How boring would life be without endometriosis, or a broken ankle, or back surgery, or even an involuntary psych ward admission (which I have to finish sooner or later)?

  • Endometriosis [2]

    We replaced the coffee machine because I broke the grinder of the previous one. I just wanted to clean it before changing the beans, and to my surprise, they didn’t design it to allow detaching the grinder from the machine. So, the original purpose of this and the last post was a product review of two machines: 1) Breville the Barista Express, and 2) DeLonghi La Specialista. But, like classic me, I digress.

    L tried to fix it but fucked it up more

    I drink coffee, though not as much as L does—4-5 double shots a day. My favorite is a latte made with Bonsoy™, though I didn’t like the fact that it somehow grew my titties. I hate big tits; they look and feel obtuse on me. Alternatively, Chobani’s vanilla oat is good, yum, but tasting good often means bad for health. It has a lot of additives like vegetable oil; no wonder it tastes good. Milk never tasted better until I found Norco’s non-homogenized milk and Paul’s organic cream on top. Both are extra creamy and thick compared to other popular milks (e.g., a2), and I thought (hoped) they were also somewhat healthier options because they’re organic™ and non-homogenized™, right?

    Let’s make endometriosis friendly dish: やみつきキャベツ!

    Yamitsuki kyabetsu(やみつきキャベツ, addictive cabbage): you need mortar and pestle because I broke mixer after i made endometriosis friendly celery juice

    Ingredient: garlic1, salt, sesame seeds2, sesame oil, cabbage, something tangy3, chicken powder, msg, something sweet4, I also added carrots even though i hate it because it’s endo friendly.

    Steps: Grind well together to a paste > mix with cabbage. Done and dusted, It’s so good! I’d recommend mix with the paste just before serve, because, due to Osmotic pressure(?), cabbage lost its crunchness after a while and I don’t like that.

    Endo survivors strongly suggest not consuming any animal products such as meat, dairy, and even eggs. My hypothesis is that milk is from a cow-mom, and eggs are from a chicken-mom. Even if they’re organic™ and non-homogenized™, think about human-mom milk—a rich, yellow liquid full of hormones and other bioactive components. So, is this all related to hormone imbalance? Am I what I eat? I think I can quit coffee, but what about my tiramisu drawer? 😭 Litres of banana pudding? 😭 I love dairy!

    Peach tiramisu
    Strawberry tiramisu
    Tiramisu
    Banana puddin

    Thinking back, the only change in my life between last year and this year may be the diet. I can’t say it was healthier last year since I ate lollies and cakes for meals most of the time, but there’s been a significant rise in meat consumption, especially when L is with me. We had red meat every second day; other days, we had different kinds of meat, even seafood.

    Let’s make endometriosis friendly dish: Vegan caprese salad!

    I’m sharing this so you don’t have to try this ridiculous vegan cheese. It should be illegal to name something ‘cheese’ when it’s nowhere close to the real cheese flavour, look, and texture! It’s horrendous and disgusting. Texture is like a soap soaked in warm water for a while and tastes like I don’t even know how to describe. I want burrata from Totti’s right now 😭

    We’ve all heard about hormone-injected chicken, beef, and other protein sources because everyone loves a barbecue, and the supply can never meet the demand. But how do I consume enough protein in a day if I’m not allowed to eat any of them? I searched how elephants intake protein: Elephants are herbivores, sometimes weighing 6 tons. They consume grasses, small plants, bushes, fruit, twigs, tree bark, and roots for their 5,000-kilogram bodies. So, it doesn’t sound impossible to have a sustainable level of protein even if I become herbivorous. But still, I love cream! I like tofu too but it’s a soy product which is bad too!!!!!

    While I study endometriosis (which I typed so much in such a short period of time, that now when I type ‘E,’ my keyboard suggests ‘Endometriosis’ first), I also found that Endo and ‘estrogen dominance’ have almost the same symptoms (e.g., diabolical PMS). I want to believe that I am not an endo sufferer, and I can be cured by lowering my estrogen levels, especially considering endo: needing an open-skin operation to cut them out and they will more likely grow back after the operation, whereas if it’s a hormone imbalance: I can try to change my lifestyle. It’s like how people fall into cults, wishing their god or messiah would fix their cancer or blindness. I’m so desperate and powerless, maybe I’ll try veganism… yuck.

    I booked a doctor’s appointment on Monday. She will probably send me for medical imaging to do a dildo scan. If it’s positive but not severe (I assume, because some endo patients throw up and blackout often because of the pain—I guess that’s a pain level of 14,200/10), then she’ll prescribe birth control pills, which is another hormone input, and I believe that’s like pouring water on a big fire—trying to fix it but actually making it worse. Worst-case scenario, I’ll be sent to a gyno, open belly, and get desexed before my dog gets it, but fingers crossed it won’t happen to me.

    A dildo scan
    1. I put a handful of garlic but add more or less for your taste. ↩︎
    2. I used black sesame seeds because i had it. ↩︎
    3. I used organic™ apple cider vinegar but you can use whatever you have like ponzu or rice wine would work I guess? ↩︎
    4. I used stevia because sugars are bad mmkay ↩︎

  • Endometriosis [1]

    After I posted my last blog, on day 1, I suffered excruciating pain that started from my uterus and pelvic area, radiating through my groin and thighs to both knees and lower back. The pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. When I was 21, I had a kidney stone removed, so I know what 10/10 pain feels like, but this pain was nothing like normal period cramps, though it was slightly less intense than kidney stones (I’d say 9/10, 1 being a paper cut and 10 being amputation/kidney stones). I couldn’t lie down; it was better when standing up or in child’s pose, or I had to curl up my body like baby though I’m not sure if that helped at all. I thought my last cycle‘s period pain was the worst, but that was only 3/10. I started to get scared—what if every period becomes like this, or worse?

    I used to have little to no period cramps, just a little tummy ache followed by diarrhea on day 1, that was it. What sudden changes made me suffer like this? Staying home girlfriend’s life is already hard enough.

    Not only that unexpected demonic period pain on steroid(it went away as time passed.), These changes bothered me even more because they never went away; they stayed throughout the cycle. 1) I had a unbelievably bloated lower belly no matter what I ate, and 2) my boobs got so much bigger. I used to have 2 cumquats, but now they are the size of grapefruits. Usually, it goes away when I start bleeding, but for the last few months, I’ve had humongous boobs, and I hated it. Speaking of the lower belly, it’s between the belly button and the pubic area, where I assume my large intestine and womb/ovaries are. I don’t drink water, and I’m chronically constipated, so I didn’t think it was a big deal.

    [Fig.1] Documenting body temperature and vaginal mucus for pregnancy purposes: I most likely lay my egg on either day 8 or 10, which is nowhere close to Flo™’s expected date—day 14.

    After realizing that my egg day is on day 8 or possibly even day 10, I felt sorry for my body. Poor me, I have to weather and storm the luteal phase(feeling shit and looking ugly phase) for at least 18 days, which is 4-6 days more than the average fertile woman. Why are my ovaries overly excited and impatient, as if they have a vendetta against me, making me suffer like this? Is this why my boobs are constantly gigantic, and my lower tummy looks like it’s already 3 months pregnant?

    On day 13-14, origin unknown pelvic pain annoyed me again, and I couldn’t sleep but Google. Endometriosis is a disease where womb tissue grows outside of the womb. Why? No one knows. Think about what would happen inside the uterus: as my hormones shift, it thickens ready for the baby, then fails to conceive, breaks down and bleeds with each cycle, but it grows somewhere it doesn’t belong, so it stays inside my body somewhere random and often becomes a cyst or forms scar tissue, and gets inflamed for fun. If you like gore/horror, look up some photos; it’s free material. Sometimes it covers organs or sticks a few different organs together like super glue. Common symptoms include:

    • Painful sex: Thinking back over the last few months, we couldn’t have sex after day 20-ish because I felt uncomfortable down there (like a swollen and fulfilled sensation), but we thought it was from excessive sex, the force of friction tearing up my vaginal canal, but it fits the symptoms of endometriosis.
    • Fatigue: I literally did nothing, no more than vacuuming and cooking, but I was constantly exhausted and napped so much. L couldn’t believe how unfit I was. We went for a run a few times, and every time I said I had no energy, I felt like I could do better but I was not able to. I had no muscle aches; my legs and lungs were fine, but I couldn’t fathom how I had such low energy.
    • Nausea and bloating: These tricked me badly because I thought I was pregnant, but I was not.

    But after all those minor (but not really) symptoms, my biggest concern is the pain—period and pelvic pain. I don’t like it at all. Why all of a sudden, though? I wasn’t like this before. Maybe I was, but even if I had hidden cysts here and there before, they were not so upset until very recently. Why so angry now? I listened to several podcasts and, of course, researched on TikTok. Many endo survivors claim that they reversed (that’s how they call it; I think it’s because endo is not curable? Idk) endo by not consuming any animal products. In short, they say to go full vegan. Are you kidding me? I can’t do that.

  • Fertilisation Journal – March

    My period just started this morning, and I failed again. This time, I kind of expected failure already since I had none of the fake symptoms that I experienced last time, such as bloating. If you remember, for the last two years, I only drank Diet Coke or taro milk tea instead of clear water just to challenge my liver and see how long it would last, but I survived. I just had dry skin and chronic constipation. L clicked his tongue in annoyance and bought an $80 water bottle to motivate me to drink clear water, and I think money works. I started drinking, and the bloating and constipation went away so easily; wowzy I didn’t expect this.

    At this point, I have a pseudo-gynecological degree issued by Google and Naver.com. Based on my degree, our failure points are that I trusted and relied on the Flo™ too much. I’ve been using this app for so long just to track my bleeding date because it always gave me an accurate date with an error margin of plus or minus a day or two. Since my bleeding cycle is so regular, I expected my ovulation date to be too. However, I might be wrong. Flo™ always tells me day 14 as the ovulation date, but my last cycle was 35 days. It could mean I ovulated on day 20 instead of day 14, or possibly I egged randomly. I live such an unhealthy lifestyle, and I don’t know how I overestimated myself to lay an egg in such regular time manner. Nevertheless, Flo™ gave me the expected ovulation date on day 14 for this cycle again.

    I had mild cramps with egg-white stretchy cervical mucus (aka pu$$y juice) on the morning of March 21st (which is day 10). So, I thought, “Hmm, isn’t it too early?” And I noted, L was still overseas at that time, so too bad; we had sex every day until the day L left last week and crampie-d from day 12 to 19 . So, I don’t freaking know what’s wrong. Either I laid egg too early, randomly like last cycle (day 20), or didn’t egg at all.

    According to my pseudo-gynecological degree, I’ll have to follow a few things for the next cycle (skipping April because L’s not here) instead of relying on Flo™. While I was typing this, Flo™ was desperate and offered me a premium subscription ㅋㅋㅋ.

    First, check the resting body temperature every morning before getting out of the bed. Before my degree from Google and Naver.com, I thought humans only had a temperature of 37.5 degrees, and if it was more than that, it meant sickness. But in fact, some thermometers(I bought one today!) can measure and display two decimal places and can help me make a chart like this:

    I like the origin of this chart: fertilityfriend.com

    I think this is by far the most reliable source, even though it’s a bit of a pain in the ass. I’ve heard of ovulation tester strips too, but they only check LH levels, and even if I witness an LH surge, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll egg. LH surges right before ovulation, but it doesn’t guarantee it. What if I don’t egg at all? In conclusion, body temperature and pu$$y juice should be checked every morning and documented promptly. I’m pretty convinced that I ovulated before L was here. If not, who knows… my degree from TikTok taught me that the chances would be around the same if I had sex every 2-3 days throughout my cycle instead of sex every day and creampie for a week. But isn’t it more problematic if you can’t have sex every day, especially if you’re a new couple?